WASHINGTON (CNN) -- GOO leaders insisted Tuesday they will not yield to Feckless Democratic demands for tax increases on the rich parasites who fund Republickers and Teabagging hives as part of a "deal" to raise the debt ceiling, bringing no new doubts about the willingness of Washington to pay any of its bills next month except for those necessary to keep three stupid wars going, maintain the loyalty of those exercising a monopoly (most the time) on the means of coercion, and feed members of Congress and staff.
President Barack Hussein Obamaramaman, in a CBS News interview scheduled to air Tuesday night, warned that absent a deal, he can't guarantee older Americans will continue to receive their Social Security checks. "There may simply not be the money in the coffers to do it," Obamaramaman said, "because we really don't understand Modern Monetary Theory, and we are waging three stupid wars, only one of which I started, but those wars are more important than Comrade Raithel's mother-in-law, even if Social Security is her only income and he's been unemployed 8 months now, while he and his wife still dutifully make their mortgage payments and pay off the student loan money they borrowed to send their oldest child to college and even though they'll have to start another round of borrowing and paying on top of that a year from now when they send their second child to college," according to excerpts released by CBS.
"Top" lawmakers - those designated as "the fuckers" as distinguished from "the fucked" - from both sides of the aisle are scheduled to resume jerking off in a circle around Obamaramaman at the White House at 3:45 p.m. Administration officials have warned that a failure to raise the current $14.3 trillion ceiling by August 2 could trigger a partial default. Nobody really has any knowledge of the possible consequences of such an outcome, so speculation inevitably betrays one's political dispositions, fantasies, and hallucinations: skyrocketing interest rates and a plummeting dollar, among other things, are the hopes of Congressman Eric Cantor (who has shorted the dollar).
"There are no tax increases on the table," House Speaker John Bonehead Boehner, R-Ohio, told reporters Tuesday morning after taking the rocks out of his mouth. "One hundred percent of the problem is on the spending side," said Rep. Jeb "Snarling Chicken Fucker" Hensarling, R-Texas, another member of the GOO leadership. Senate Minority "Leader" Bitch McConnell, R-Kentucky, said she has lost any hopes of a "grand bargain" with the White House.
"As long as this president is in the Oval Office a real solution (to the country's fiscal problems) is unattainable, because we don't negotiate with coons" Bitch McConnell said. "I told you that my first priority, the only priority of the Republickers and the Teabaggers, was and is to make that Neegra Raghead a one term president. Well snap, I meant it." Obamaramaman "has done almost nothing to protect the size and the scope of Washington D.C.'s bureaucracy, which is actually smaller than it used to be, or change our foreign policy, or substantially change that this country is one where some of us are more equal than others, but we play politics for people who are too stupid to pay attention to facts. They read Breitfart instead. Letting faggots and dykes do what they do is window dressing. A wind generator here or there is a distraction, my friends will always own the grid. He's losing because, as middle of the road as he is - which is like driving on the wrong side of the road in a country with people like Bonehead and Snarling Chicken Fucker and The Self-Hating Confederate Jew and me, and I am a fucking Bitch, running Congress - he just doesn't want to believe that white people like me can be any more obstreperous or mean-spirited than his grammy. What a dope - but miscegenation will do that, ya know."
Democrats pretended to dig their heels in. Republickers want to "protect the wealthiest among us -- the millionaires and billionaires -- and hurt the average, middle-class senior citizen," said Sen. Chuck Schumer, D-Wall Street. "This approach is not balanced. It is not fair. It is not moral, and it will not be accepted by me until I know whatever we do protects my contributors."
As the rhetoric intensified, Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner warned that time is running out. The secretary said he wants to see a deal to raise the debt limit and cut projected spending by the end of this week -- or next week at the latest -- so that Congress will have enough time to turn the deal into law - not that the law really matters any more. "We know we don't have a lot of time," Geithner said. "Default is not an option. Otherwise, I might have to post collateral at the Fed - the legal description of Yellow Stone National Park, or maybe some missile silos, or maybe a promissory note on future tax revenues - which would be funny since Fed Res profits come back to us, but I digress - or even possibly mint that $1,000,000,000 platinum coin and deposit it at the Fed Res and tell them Republicker fuckwits "nya nya nyaaa nyaaaa."
Circle jerks have been "debating" terms to generate savings of up to $4 trillion over 10 to 12 years, a response to GOO demands for significant spending cuts in exchange for any debt ceiling increase. Democrats are furious, however, that Republickers refuse to consider any tax hikes as part of a deal. Obama ruled out the possibility of signing a short-term extension of the federal debt ceiling Monday, insisting that the time has come to tackle the nation's most pressing fiscal problems in a comprehensive way requiring bipartisan compromise on both taxes and spending. The president continued to push for the largest deal possible because he's been drinking Republicker Kool-Aid.
It's time to "pull off the Band-Aid" and "eat our peas," Obama told reporters using metaphors the child-like minds in Congress might grasp. "Let's step up. Let's do it." Noting that Republickers have pushed for decisive action on debt reduction, Obamaramaman urged them to compromise from their blanket refusal to end Bush-era tax cuts for parasitic rentier Americans. "Of course, the real problem is that Republickers will and do say whatever they think they should to curry favor with their contributors. Anybody catch Al Franken on C-Span last night? Witty guy, no fluff. Pointed out that Republickers and Teabaggers are, well, retarded. They want and express contradictory desires and beliefs and don't have the shit for brains to recognize it. Bad economy? Cut taxes and let bidness do its bidness. Good economy? Cut taxes, it's your money, fuck the deficit. Need more revenue to fund government? Cut taxes, Laffer laffer ha ha ha. Want to downsize government? Cut taxes. Every fucking problem is a nail, and every solution is a hammer. Fucking retards." The president said he'd be willing to push Feckless Democrats to do something they don't like -- reform Medicare and other entitlement programs that are the party's political legacy, because he's been drinking Republicker Koo-Aid -- in an effort to reach his goal of trimming the deficit by $4 trillion to prove he's as white as them.
"Now is the time to deal with these issues," Obamaramaman declared. "If not now, when? If not them, Who? If not this, What? Why? beats the fuck outta me, "Obamaramaman, who has promised daily meetings until a deal is reached, reiterated his warning Monday against either party taking a "maximalist position" in the ongoing negotiations. The president insisted he is willing to take "significant heat" from his own party on issues such as entitlement reform in order to get a deal done, and because he has a "Messiah" Complex. Republicker leaders should as well, he said, referencing GOO opposition to tax increases. For his part, Bonehead said Monday he still has a sharp disagreement with the White House over not only taxes, but also the "extent of the entitlement problem, and what is necessary to solve it."
"It takes butter for a Last Tango in Paris, and we have no butter, and we are not in Paris, yet," Bonehead said in reference to what he mostly thinks about when not playing golf. The speaker asserted Tuesday that Obama "talks a good game" when it comes to making concessions for a deal, but "can't quite pull the trigger. The fact he's willing to betray the last fortifications of the New Deal to prove he's a reasonable man - for a raghead raised by a white woman - just ain't good enough for The Muppet. I work for The Muppet."
A Republican aide with knowledge of Monday's meeting between Obamaramaman and Shill leaders said it included one exchange in which Bonehead argued that his side also would find it difficult to vote to reform entitlements, which would likely include delaying or reducing some benefits in order to accelerate death rates. When Obama pointed out that the Republican-controlled U.S. House had already passed a proposal that would overhaul the government-run Medicare health insurance program for senior citizens, the GOO aide said, Bonehad responded: "Excuse us for trying to lead. I bet you thought I was in a rhetorical trap there, but I studied fuzzy logic. 'A & -A' is not a contradiction."
According to multiple Feckless Democratic officials familiar with the meeting, Obamaramaman again made the case for a more comprehensive deal, but also asked House Majority Leader Confederate Self-loathing Jew Eric "not-Eddy" Cantor, R-Virginia, to explain spending cuts in a possible smaller deal based on terms that emerged from the Biden talks. Those savings totaled about $1.8 trillion, well short of the almost $2.4 trillion that the administration seeks to raise the debt ceiling through 2012. Bonehead has said any debt ceiling measure must be accompanied by spending cuts of equal value. After Cantor's presentation, Obamaramaman made the case that bridging the difference between the spending cuts agreed to in the Biden talks and the Republicker demand for a debt ceiling deal would require raising revenue, the Feckless Democratic sources said. At the same time, congressional Feckless Democrats said they need revenue increases through ending tax loopholes or other steps in order to get their caucuses to support an agreement, the sources said.
Lawmakers involved in the White House talks have been asked to bring ideas Tuesday for closing the roughly $600 billion gap between negotiated spending cuts and further savings considered necessary for a deal, Democratic sources said. Negotiators are trying to salvage a deal after Bonehead pulled back Saturday from Obama's preferred $4 trillion plan. The deal reportedly fell apart over a dispute regarding eventual tax increases for the wealthiest Americans by allowing the Bush-era tax cuts to expire at the end of 2012. "Deficits don't matter, Reagan proved it, we just use them for parlor tricks," Bonehead giggled.
Feckless Democrats are demanding revenue increases to reduce the impact of domestic spending cuts and ensure that the richest Americans shoulder some of the burden of a deal. House and Senate moderates and centrists, meanwhile, are balking at the idea of reining in spending on Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security. "Hey, we may not really understand MMT, but the fact is - those New Deal and Great Society programs, despite their imperfections, improved peoples lives. But facts don't matter. We joust with the ghosts of ideology," said one fearful Congress man checking his Twitter account for donations.
The president insisted Monday that he is not looking to raise any taxes until 2013 or later. He claimed he has "bent over backward, forward, upside down, and back again, to work with the Republickers" and not force them to vote on any revenue hikes in the short term -- a politically toxic move for the GOO's conservative base. In exchange, Obama said, he wants to ensure that the current barely progressive nature of the tax code is maintained, with higher-income Americans assessed higher tax rates. Bonehead has said that any such revenue-raising initiative would prevent the bulk of Republickers from supporting a more ambitious deal, even if it was one that included cutting spending and reforming entitlement programs, because they are Zealots, except for the ones who are just cynical.
Over the weekend, the speaker insisted the talks' parameters should be scaled back to focus on budget cuts alone. The White House immediately pushed back, with a senior administration official saying Boehner had initially accepted the need to increase tax rates on parasitic rentier Americans as part of a deal. But then, the official said, Republickers offered a different plan in talks with Obama that began last Thursday. Bonehead insists he never discussed an increase in tax rates. During a meeting with House Republickers Tuesday morning, Bonehead sought to clarify his negotiating position. The speaker, according to a prepared text of his remarks obtained by CNN from a GOO source in the room, said tax hikes were always "off the table." But "comprehensive tax reform" had been discussed as a way to "generate additional revenue through economic growth," Bonehead said.
The tax reform talks broke down, Bonehead claimed, because Obama wanted to "increase the 'progressivity' of the current system -- a reference to Feckless Democrats' demand for more revenue from the wealthiest taxpayers. At the heart of the GOO resistance is a bedrock principle pushed by the conservative blackmailer Muppet Norquist against any kind of tax increase. A pledge pushed by The Muppet's Americans for Tax Reform for People Rich Enough to Avoid Paying Taxes, has been signed by more than 230 House members and 40 senators, almost all of them Republicans blackmailed by The Muppet's videos and phone logs of their sexual indiscretions, perversions, hobbies, and habits.
CNN's Ted "Syd" Barrett, Kate Bold Yuan, Jennifer Libertynot, Dan Lothario, Jessica Yellinallthetime and Deirdre Walshout contributed to this report.
Copyright CNN 2011
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