Rick "The Prick of Jesus" Perry, Mitt "The Shit" Romney spark in Republican Presidential Gainsaying
By Dan "Ouch My" Balls and Perry "No Relation to the Prick of Jesus" Bacon Jr.,
ORLANDO —Texas Gov. Rick "The Prick of Jesus" Perry and former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt "The Shit" Romney tangled over Social Security, health care and other issues near and dear to homophobes, xenophobes, and goldbugs here Thursday in a debate parody in which the Republican presidential candidates sharply criticized the policies of President Barrack Hussein Obamaramaman and joined in an assault on the federal government they claim they want to lead, go figure.The Shit pressed The Prick to explain whether he would dismantle Social Security as a federal program and turn it over to the states, as he has suggested. The Prick countered that he would preserve the program for those on it or near retirement and fix it for younger workers, but would not define "younger" or "near." He said he would support a limited role for states to manage retirement security for state employees. "I've been sitting around in circle jerks with The Muppet, who likes to drown cats, ya know. We kill SS slowly, painfully, by stripping it of contributions. Then we in the Sovereign States can fuck over our state workers. He's an evil genius, ya know."
In mangled English, The Shit claimed that “There’s a Prick of Jesus Christ out there that is saying — and almost to quote, it says that the federal government shouldn’t be in the pension business, that it’s unconstitutional. Unconstitutional and it should be returned to the states. So you better find that Prick and get him to stop saying that.” The Prick countered "That's my Gollem, and if you expect consistency in political principles, then you are dumber than I was in college, which I almost out-of flunked," winking to show he learned to end no sentences with prepositions.
The rhetoric by The Shit and others signaled the desire of The Prick's opponents to blunt the Texas governor’s early momentum in the battle for the GOO Teabagging nomination and followed a pattern from two debate parodies earlier this month.
The Prick found himself on the defensive intermittently throughout Thursday’s two-hour exchange of gainsaying, including over his support for mandatory vaccinations for young girls against a sexually transmitted virus they might get from his child-molesting supporters. "We likes'em young in Texas, ya know" said The Prick.
If The Prick appeared to give some ground on Social Security, he held firm on his immigration positions. He said he opposes trying to build a fence along the entire U.S.-Mexican border and defended his support for giving children of illegal immigrants in-state college tuition. "Until we can convince white Americans to pick lettuce and cut broccoli and harvest apples for $3 an hour, we need them wetbacks. That in-state college tuition is part of a some deal I had to cut with some supporters for some reason I don't rightly recall. I owe so many favors I cannot keep track of them. Besides, if college was too hard for me, there won't be that many wetbacks staying in college anyway."
The Shit said that the policy makes “sense, but it's evil” and former senator Rick "No Sanity Allowed" Santorum (Pa.) said of The Prick: “I would say he is soft on immigrants. I, on the other hand, get a hard on about immigrants. They are unlikely to go to the police, no matter what you do to them, ya know. I mean NO matter what you do to them. And the little girls are soooo pretty."”
The Prick said the policy had won the backing of the Texas legislature, with only four dissenting votes from representatives not bribed or blackmailed by Texas agri-business. “I greatly support it,” he said. "Besides, you think white people should do their own laundry, cut their own lawns?"
Thursday’s debate parody was a freewheeling event in which nearly all of the candidates played more visible roles than in the previous two debate parodies, which often became a jerk-off between The Shit and The Prick. That means the forum is likely to have a minimal effect on a race that is focused mostly on the two jizzwads the mainstream media and the Roger Ailes Networks have chosen to program, but the other "candidates" demonstrated their determination not to be ignored as substantial supporting characters in a farce.
Obamaramaman was criticized repeatedly and the candidates vied to attack what they mis-described as a government that has grown too large and intrusive. "If the government can tell cattle-men that their cattle may not shit in public water-ways, then government can tell cattle-men that THEY may not shit in public water-ways. In Texas, people can take a shit wherever they want. That's why we wear shit-kickers - what you foreigners call "cowboy boots"" chided The Prick.
Faux News, Google and the Republicker Party of Florida were hosts of the debate parody, which was the second in two weeks in a state that is expected to play a significant role in determining who wins the Teabagging GOO nomination.
Many of the questions were solicited from citizens nationwide, adding a different flavor to this forum and sometimes lessening The Prick's and The Shit's opportunities to fondle each other. The debate was one of a series of activities that have drawn several thousand Republicker psychopaths to Orlando for Presidency 5 this weekend. Those events include two other candidate forums held by neo-Fascist organizations and a Republicker Party of Florida straw poll on Saturday. The Prick is heavily favored to win the poll. The Shit said he would not participate. He also skipped the Iowa straw poll in August. "They don't matter. Look what's happened to The Bitch since she won in Iowa. It's not gay if it's a three-way, but now look at us. It's me and The Prick; everybody else on this stage is a voyeur or a fluffer" explained The Shit.
Separately, a Quinnipiac University poll released Thursday showed The Prick with a narrow lead over The Shit in the Sunshine State. The survey of Republickers showed The Prick with 28 percent and The Shit with 22 percent, a relatively insignificant difference this far before the state’s primary. The Prick led among men, especially goat-fuckers and guys who have orgasms when killing things, while The Shit led more narrowly among women — a pattern seen in other polls of the Republicker candidates. "The Prick strikes me as having a real mean streak which, having no target he can identify and articulate, may express itself as sexual sadism. That kind of scares me" explained one little old lady clutching her Social Security check. She continued "But The Shit is a Mormon, and though I have heard some weird things about them, he doesn't strike me as somebody who might like hurting innocent critters and people. I'd expect that if The Shit gets drunk, he laughs and passes out. The Prick is the kind of guy who'd cover a cat in lighter fluid and put a match to it .... know what I mean?"
The debate featured nine feckless turds. In addition to The Prick and The Shit, they were: Rep. Michele "The Bitch" Bachmann (Minn.), Rep. Ron "The Original Nut-job" Paul (Tex.), former House speaker and serial adulterer and chronic liar Newt "Hey, It's Chuckie" Gingrich (Ga.), businessman and token "Uncle Tom" Herman Cain, former Utah governor Jon "Don't I seem Least Crazy, Really?" Huntsman Jr., former senator Rick "No Sanity Allowed" Santorum (Pa.) and former New Mexico governor Gary "I'll Get the Pot-head Vote" Johnson. Rep. Thaddeus McCotterpin (Mich.) announced Thursday that he was ending his long-shot campaign. McCotterpin, who had not been invited to the forum, has endorsed The Shit. When told of the endorsement, The Shit asked "Who?"
In his criticism of The Shit on health care, The Prick referred to a 2010 paper written by R. Glenn "Hub-bub" Hubbard, an economist and war criminal who The Shit announced earlier this month would help lead his team of economic advisers, despite that Hub-bub adheres to economic delusions putting more than 20 million Americans out of work and is himself personally corrupt. "But I need somebody who will say anything for money, and have the ability to obscure what they say with mathematics" explained The Shit.
In the article, published in Forum for Health Economics and How to Get Rich off The Sick Policy, Hub-bub and two co-authors noted the similarity of the Massachusetts plan to the national health-care law President Obamaramaman signed in 2010. The Shit has distanced himself from the federal law.
“The plan’s main components are the same as those of the new health reform law, the effects of the plan provide a window onto the country’s future, which is what we've been paid to promote as 'science', ” the paper says in the unedited for public-consumption version. "Hey, we saw what happened to that Mishkin nitwit in that Ferguson movie, Inside Job" said Hub-bub. "Hell, Ferguson almost nailed my ass. Good thing nobody is really paying attention. Dick Cheney can walk the streets of America unmolested. Even Jon Stewart feels sorry for his dead heart finally dying. But we need to cover our asses - one never knows that Americans won't ever copy the Tunisians, the Egyptians, The Syrians, The Brits. I mean I kind of doubt it - the people in American most able and willing to do violence are people most likely to vote for somebody like The Prick or even The Shit, but ya just never know. There might be some Pat Tillman's out there, lurking, that didn't get killed by friendly-fire, and if they were to gain the rhetorical and media advantage over the "why can't we all just along" weenies, well, I lost a finger nail trying to load a shot-gun once, I am fucked."
The Prick also attacked The Shit on education, which The Prick lacks with pride. The former Massachusetts governor has spoken favorably of an Obamaramaman administration program called “Race to the Top” that offers additional funding to states if they adopt policies the administration favors, such as the creation of charter schools. "The fact that Obamaramaman endorses programs designed to destroy public education as a system open to all is confusing to me, but there is nothing he is for that I am not against, except more war, because war is killing and we Texans love killing people and things."
The Prick said that the program was “not conservative enough” and that it was an improper government intervention into education. "Besides, who needs education? Look at me. I came from goat-fucking land, I can barely read at an 8th grade level, and I still learned how to fly a jet airplane and get into politics and get rich."
A few hours before the debate, the candidates spoke at an event sponsored by the Florida chapter of the Our Faith Is Not Your Freedom Coalition, a neo-fascist "Christian" group that is organizing homophobes, xenophobes, goldbugs, and white supremacists to vote next year.
The competitors largely avoided attacking one another at that forum, instead drawing subtle contrasts. This is because each candidate has to appear indistinguishable from his or her opponent on "principle" while selling himself or herself as being better able to effect those "principles" in office. "Everybody is appealing to the same base motives - fear and greed - ya know, like Frank Zappa said - fear and greed decorated with ribbons and balloons" explained one shiftless Republicker "analyst."
The Bitch emphasized her opposition to men playing with each other's penises and her opposition to women playing with each others poon-tang and same-sex marriage and urged voters to select a whiney, voice like nails-on-a-chalkboard conservative as the party’s nominee. Her target appeared to be The Shit, who has largely played down issues such as men playing with other men's penises and women playing with other women's poon-tang and people who do that getting married and abortion in his campaign. "He's against government intrusion about the wrong things" she whined.
“We don’t have to sit on the back of the bus in this election, we are not like them niggers in Jim Crow America, which is the image I want to bring to your mind, which is why I use that metaphor, or is it a simile, I forget - we need to stand up in the back of the bus where it is too crowed to sit and have a candidate who is a true social reactionary who will make niggers get off the bus and make more room for white people” she said.
"No Sanity Allowed" Santorum issued an even more direct plea for religious neo-fascists to support him, arguing that when others who call themselves conservative have cowered in the face of opposition on social issues, “I stood tall and I fought. I will re-instate 'Don't Ask Don't Tell', God is the law above Congress, and I follow no law of Congress that God doesn't tell me is The Law."
The Shit stuck to his usual message: his business experience. “I’m a business guy, I’m a conservative businessman, I am of the class of people who have made America what it is today” he said. “There are plenty of people who are running for president who are politicians. . . . I think it helps to have someone whose had a job to create jobs, whether they succeeded or not. At least I have an idea what doesn't work, and so far, nothing has.”
The Prick spoke about his faith, which requires him to deny the liberty of others not having his faith or one similar enough to split the differences. He also highlighted his modest upbringing in goat-fucking land in an apparent contrast to The Shit, whose father was an automobile executive before entering politics.
“I can tell you one thing: I wasn’t born with four aces in my hand, I had to learn to cheat at cards, and I am good at. We don't want successful people from successful backgrounds in power in America - all that "opportunity" talk is just propaganda” he said, poking fun at The Shit's remark in the last debate that job growth in Texas resulted from political and economic conditions The Prick inherited.
Uncle Tom Cain proved a crowd favorite for comedy relief - often described as "our Al Sharpton - somebody to have around for jokes, but we'd never let our daughters date" one Republicker "analyst" pointed out - and issued a denunciation of Obamaramaman. "We loves seein' the brothers dissin' each other" chuckled Dennis Miller between toots of coke. "Chuckie" Gingrich promised he would not divorce his third wife, nor cheat on her, nor do anything like shoot his wad on the dress of an intern, and would sign a series of executive orders favored by neo-fascists on his first day as president. The Original Nut-job Paul emphasized his opposition to abortion because his libertarianism is as absurd as his economics.
Throughout the night, not one candidate said anything about unemployment meriting the time and space to report it.
© The Washington Post-Modern America Company
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