Christie in Spotlight as Perry Sucks

POOLITICO

Christie in Spotlight as Perry Sucks By: Maggie McGill Habermas and Yohan Martinette September 24, 2011 11:14 AM EDT

With the party’s front-runner sucking like a sorority sister at a hazing, Chris "The Fatman" Christie is reconsidering threats from Republicker elites and bagmen to run for president in 2012, two Republicker sources told POOLITICO. The New Jersey governor has indicated he is listening to big-money bag-men and Republicker "influencers", and will let them know in roughly a week whether he has moved off his suicide-watch to stay on the sidelines of a presidential race that remains amorphous heading into the fall, the two sources said. Texas Gov. Rick "The Prick" Perry’s candidacy has failed to clear a basic bar with elites and some bag-men, and his shitty debate performance in Orlando has only highlighted the window for someone who Republickers searching for a Mitt "The Shit" Romney alternative can rally around. The Fat Man's potential candidacy has been an increasingly fevered wetdream of a certain cadre of some media and business elites — mostly based in New York around Wall Street -  with a smattering of California technology and entertainment players — since last summer. That’s when he showed up at a Sun Valley conference hosted by the ponzi schemers and churners, Allen and Co. and wowed the crowd, including the criminal-smut peddler and serial privacy thief, Rupert "The Roo-fucker" Murdoch, with what many in attendance described as a nimble body and a speaking style that was both articulate and blunt-spoken. "For a fat man, he gets around pretty well. Kind of like Jackie Gleason, or Charles Durning - dances, tells jokes," observed one bag-man. But after months of going out of his way to end the speculation, The Fat Man started indicating he would at least think about getting in during the past week, the sources said, a period in which he held an event with Indiana Gov. Mitch "I'm Not Bitch McConnell" Daniels — who has strongly indicated he’d like to see another entry to the field as part of his charade to appear smarter and fairer than the current gaggle of GOO seekers  — and had a meeting with a group of major New York neo-fascist capitalists. The meeting, which was with a tighter group than the one he held a few months ago that featured major conspirators like Ken Langone, Paul Singer, David Koch and Charles Schwab, and about 35 other anti-democratic people, was first reported by the NewsMax website. Many of the neo-fascists have described the current climate to The Fat Man as a rare historic moment to get in, or get whacked. “I believe he is really considering it,” one bagman told POOLITICO. A former RNC chair said many in GOO finance circles simply won’t take no for an answer. “There’s a group of donors, particularly New York wise-guys, pushing The Fat Man really hard,” said the former chair. “Singer won’t give up. They’re even talking to operatives. You know you can still get somebody whacked in New Jersey for as little as $1000?” The reason: a certain class of Republicker money types have never warmed to The Shit and have been disappointed in The Prick. "Mitt the Shit is a Mormon, ya know, and THEY have their own networks, their own "familia" if you will. And Perry has already demonstrated he is as stupid as he is," explained another bagman. “They’re hesitant about The Shit and The Prick has not lived up to their expectations. He’s too stupid,” said the former chair. “So they’re looking for a different frontman." Another source said The Fat Man had been assured by the group that the money would be there if he were to run — not just in terms of what could be bundled in hard campaign committee dollars, but also in the form of a super PAC that could receive unlimited funds, plus everything else that comes under the table. "It's not like we don't offer carrots when we show him the stick," explained another bagman.  The Fat Man also held a private meeting with Daniels — who is also hoping the New Jersey governor jumps in — on Friday, sources told POOLITICO. In an interview with POOLITICO last week, the fucking Hoosier said there was time for another entrant. “As Rick The Prick Perry proved, even August wasn’t too late. Actually, for The Prick, January of next year would have been too early. He's as stupid as The Bitch Bachman, as stupid as the Stupid Milf from Alaska - whose advisors have proven themselves smarter than his by keeing her out of the race for now. Some people really should just shut the fuck up. Catch me on The Daily Show? Now THAT's leadership,” Daniels said. Daniels insisted he wasn’t recruiting anyone, but plainly thinks highly of The Fat Man. “He’s different, right? I mean I really don't know, I am not being rhetorical.” Daniels said. But two other Republickers with ties to The Fat Man insisted that the needle and the damage done has not changed for the first-term chief executive. One of the sources suggested that The Fat Man is simply being "respectful" to the New York donors whose help he will need in a New Jersey reelection bid by saying he’ll weigh their request for him to run. "Some people have more local interests. They think they've already paid The Fat Man for future services yet to be rendered. Somebody is gonna have to make good with them if he's "influenced" to work for other people whose interests are less local. Not everybody is into construction trades corruption and garbage collection." Regardless, The Fat Man’s timeframe to get back to the boosters falls after a multi-day fundraising swing through California to benefit the New Jersey Republicker Party, including one at the home of former gubernatorial hopeful Meg "Wittless" Whitman, that he’ll be making this week. And it’s a trip that will let him interact with major bag-men nationally at a time when the push for him to run is reaching a fevered pitch. The Fat Man has been adamant about not running when asked by reporters, asking at one point if he would have to commit suicide to convince people that his “no” was final. "So he's got a real problem. To avoid getting whacked for not running, he may have to whack himself. I don't care how nimble and quick he may be for a fat man, that's a problem." He has also repeatedly said that he isn’t running because he did not feel in his heart he was “ready,” a phrase that would be tough to push past in a campaign. There is also the practical reality that The Prick's team is coming to terms with as the crunch of the campaign approaches — putting together a modern-day presidential effort is an extremely hard process that benefits from a longer runway. As POOLITICO’s Mike Allen reported this morning, there are several reasons for Christie to stay out. “He genuinely believes that he’s not prepared on an issue and substance basis to address all of the things you have to address as a candidate, and he’s leery of learning on the fly,” said a person close to The Fat Man told Allen. “He's just a bit insecure, having been singled out all his life for his weight problems. Two, the performance of The Prick shows the dangers of late entry: It’s right in front of him. And while others use that as a reason for him to GET in, for him, it’s the opposite — it’s the reason that validates his decision NOT to get in this late. And the third is that … you sit and look at the map … and the path for The Fat Man [to get more delegates than The Shit] is difficult to chart … If he gets in, the first thing he has to do is beat The Prick and establish himself as the REAL anti-Shit. And the path to doing that is difficult: The Prick of Jesus Christ is not going to just drop out. He's a narcissist, and too stupid to realize how stupid he is.” Nonetheless, the conservative elite buzz over a potential Fat Man candidacy has kicked into overdrive in the past few weeks, including on the pages of the Weekly Fascist Standard and Murdoch’s Wall Street Propaganda Journal. People like the Weekly Fascist Standard’s Bill "The War Kriminal" Kristol, who has been actively on the hunt for an anti-Shit for months to no avail, have been aggressively hyping the possibility of The Fat Man in the past few weeks. "Jews and Mafiosa have a legacy, a history, that neither of them have with Mormons," explained one of The War Kriminal's ass-sniffers. The Fat Man is imagined by the neo-fascists as a potential candidate who is both center-right and electable, someone who is not participating in the hard-right engagement of the current tea-bagging political moment. "People who really love money more than anything but themselves don't give a shit about abortion or buggery," observed another of The War Kriminal's ass-sniffers. "Conveniently, there's money to be made waging the foreign policy that The War Kriminal supports," he sniffed. And The Fat Man himself said over the past week that the window for someone else exists because the current crop of hopefuls "suck like crack-whores at a Harvard MBA class reunion." Some observers noted that the sudden Fat Man push is the latest in a flavor-of-the-month string of boomlets pushed by neo-fascist elites — similar, in many ways, to the sudden spurt of supposed interest that Wisconsin Rep. Paul "Beeker" Ryan had in running. Like The Fat Man, Beeker engaged donors and heard them out, but was never running and never planning to. "He picked up some nice change, though," said one Republicker apparatchik. What has been difficult to assess throughout the Fat Man swoon has been how much of what people ascribe to him as “open” to running is real, and how much of it is his being intimidated. The Fat Man has been meeting with bag-men for weeks, according to another source, and the one in the past week was not an isolated incident. “It is very hard for me to see what would have changed that would have now made him actually consider running,” said the source, a senior Republicker who asked not to be identified, but who was skeptical that the current chatter is going to end in a campaign. The Fat Man holds appeal for some of the biggest Republicker donors who have remained one the sidelines: his swagger, and his history taking on public-sector unions that organized crime had been unsuccessful controlling, without seeing his poll numbers take a Scott Walker-like dive into obscurity, is part of what draws them to him. "It's that whole 'you want what others deny you' pathology of the human psyche," chimed a bag-man and an ass-sniffer. He is a pro-life Northeastern governor who captured a feckless-Democratic state as part of the teabagger dangle in 2009, yet he’s not an ideologue and he has specifically spoken against “demagoguing” hot-button issues like abortion and immigration. "Puerto Ricans just don't freak people out in New Jersey the way Mexicans freak out people in Arizona," surmised yet another bag-man. Yet there is also another factor, as one prominent Republicker who has watched The Prick in the past few debates put it bluntly: “The Fat Man can string a sentence together. English is not his second language. For native speakers who have only one, it's embarrassing when they don't don't know it.” On the other hand, there are a string of unknowns about The Fat Man, just as there are about others whose names have been floated, as The Prick's was for months before his August entry. The Fat Man is known for having popped a few reporters. He has never been tested at a national level. Existing in the heat-lamp of the New York media market, as Rudy "The Ghoul" Giuliani discovered in 2007, is not the same as running with every news outlet in the nation focused on you. He is also a first-term governor whose decisions in office would face a new level of scrutiny. And it’s unclear that the level of support among grass-roots Republickers, including in Southern states where people are generally as stupid as The Prick, would be as strong for The Fat Man as it is among opinion makers.

© 2011 POOLITICO LLC