Herman Cain’s media contrived rise to GOP front-nigger

"Let me tell you, Clarence Thomas is right
- dat white pussy is da best- finer than caviar, mmmmoi!!!"

 

Herman Cain’s media contrived rise to GOP front-nigger

By Sandyhahaya Somashishkabob, Published: October 6

For months, Herman "Pizza Boy" Cain languished on the margins of the Republicker presidential campaign. But in the past few weeks, something happened that even The Pizza Boy did not see coming. He was turned into a front-runner for the nomination by the main stream media "journalists", reporters, editors, and pundits too lazy to find real news. Teabag operatives quickly realized they had found the opportunity to put distance between the history of their racist animosity to Obamaramaman and next year's election, in a country of voters afflicted with ADHD and other "attention" deficit disorders.

The Atlanta pizza boy has shot up in the polls and become a ubiquitous presence on national television. His “666” plan to reform the tax code has become a household term, particularly in houses where people are innumerate. His sense of humor and upbeat style have injected a bit of light into a campaign that has centered on the gloom of the economy. "Negroes are genetically funny people", ya know, explained one Teabag operative. "To survive slavery and Jim Crow, they had to learn to make light of their situation or they'd get hurt. Kind of like Jews in Germany - the funnier ones survived the death camps - well, supposing there were any death camps. That might just be propaganda. But Negroes and Jews are just funny."

The Pizza Boy brought to the race no obvious constituency to back him. His history as a corporate hack, lobbyist, and Kansas City Federal Reserve board member had been hidden as much as possible to contrive the myth he is not part of the established ruling class, but some yoeman outsider unsullied by years of corporate and government corruption. Even when he had an "honest" job, it was making sugar water concoctions. He has since benefited as other conservative favorites took turns in the spotlight and then fell away, bowing out or flaming out as their immeasurable stupidity was not compensated by a Negro or Holocaust survivor's sense of humor.

He also has used a series of televised debates to raise his profile and establish himself as a powerful communicator with a simple plan to restart the economy. “My message of common-sense solutions is resonating with people, because they are stupid" The Pizza Boy said in an interview. “People around the country are starting to know who I am and starting to identify me with the rhetoric of my solutions, because the fact is, most people don't want to think. Thinking is hard. All they know is they've been fucked over by the mostly white people in charge, that the other Head Nigger In Charge, some of them might have even voted for, has proven to be a real disappointment to them; especially since he's half-white, ya know, he just isn't naturally funny, like I am. Ever catch me playing the dozens? Yo mamma is so fat, Pizza Hut won't let her have the buffet. See, I am ALL dark meat - just ask The Bitch, or the Stupid Milf - they'll tell ya" he winked.

The Pizza Boy said he had long expected to gain momentum, because as a chronic cocaine abuser - the drug of choice for Negroes - he sometimes loses sight of what's real and what's hallucination. However, even he did not foresee the recent “explosion” of interest in his campaign when he overwhelmingly won a Florida GOP straw poll, because even when high he knew that less than 3000 people had even bothered to participate, and most of his opponents had left the state, knowing full well that the straw poll was irrelevant. Never-the-less, in a recent Washington Post poll he tied with Texas Gov. Rick The Prick of Jesus Christ Perry for second place, with 16 percent - though The Prick's fall has been accelerated for his insisting to call brazil nuts "nigger toes." "Not that we don't agree" said one of The Prick's supporters "but it's just bad marketing."

But it is not at all clear that The Pizza Boy can maintain his momentum or support a successful presidential campaign. "He's a Negro, ya know. Lots of Teabaggers are racists. I mean lots of them. It's how we got started, ya know. If Obamaramaman had been as cracker as Romney, we'd have had nothing, NOTHING, to work with. But my point is this: Even though we might be able to use the Pizza Boy to cynically refute - right, "refute", pretty funny, huh? - that we are mostly just hate filled angry white people offended that some jigaboo is in the White House, there are some Teabaggers who will not vote for The Pizza Boy because they have no sense of irony. A lot of us are stupid, ya know."

The Pizza Boy has committed some early missteps, saying he would not appoint a Muslim to his Cabinet because he'll have nothing to do with people who won't eat pickled porks feet or chitlins [editor note: What you white people call "chitterlings] and stumbling on questions about the Middle East and the war in Afghanistan. He has since said he is aggressively studying up on foreign policy with help from The Stupid Milf from Alaska, and that he meant to say he would not appoint a “jihadist” to his Cabinet. "Nor will he appoint ninjas, chimichangas, or kangaroos. He's mostly partial to apocalyptic flat-earther types - ya know, the people who want to ship all the Jews to Israel so they can build that temple and then get killed" explained one Hermanaphrodite, the quaint name the Pizza Boy's supporters have been calling themselves.

The Pizza Boy has not released his fundraising figures for the quarter that ended Sept. 30, but he raised about $2.5 million in the previous quarter, much less than most of his rivals for the nomination. And until the mainstream media invented his success in order to make up some news because that is easier than finding it, The Pizza Boy had drawn very little scrutiny from the media or criticism from his opponents.

He has had staff shakeups in Iowa, where workers had complained that The Pizza Boy was not taking the campaign seriously ("He'd be up till 3 am, in his under wear, playing Hearts and sipping rot gut bourbon, smoking cheap cigars; and he won't go anywhere in the morning till noon, because he says he needs some time to 'bust a nut with these fine bitches'" complained one ex-Hermanaphrodite) and in New Hampshire, where he thought it was hilarious to keep asking people "Can you tell me how I get to Old Hampshire?" He has been conspicuously absent — since August — from Iowa, traditionally thought of as an important state for a social conservative such as The Pizza Boy to win. "But people are figuring out the fix is in. The nomination will be decided by the super PACs. Once they decide who they want, the party stooges will show up at the convention and nominate whom they are told," giggled a Hermanaphrodite between bites of Domino's pizza.

“I think he’s at this point not a viable candidate in Iowa,” said Steve Duchebag, a conservative talk show host who is influential in conservative circles in the state. “The race appears to be about raising his profile to be VEEP and not running for president. He’s not surrounded himself with the best people, because he’s not serious about running for president. He's serious about getting white pussy and giving the Teabaggers cover."

The Pizza Boy, 65, has reinforced that belief by spending much of his time this week promoting his new autobiography, “This Is Herman Cain, Bitch!”

Asked about the skepticism, The Pizza Boy chuckled. “All I can say is they are dead wrong,” he said. “And they don’t know Herman The Pizza Boy Raising Cain. Anybody that knows me knows I would not do something like this to self-promote for self-promotion alone. It's what I get FOR the self-promotion that explains me."

Many of The Pizza Boy's supporters initially considered candidates who were viewed as more viable. Robert Owens, 63, said would have backed real estate magnate Donald Trump had he decided to enter the presidential fray - "He's a belligerent crypto-fascist, and rich, so he'd look out for me and mine" - and he considered both Rep. Michele The Bitch Bachmann (Minn.) and The Prick Perry. He eventually settled on The Pizza Boy - "When they say something stupid, it isn't funny. But the soft bigotry of low expectations gives The Pizza Boy a pass on all that shit."
 
“He makes no more sense than anybody else,” said Owens, a retired truck driver from Florida. "But it’s just time for somebody different looking. He could pass for a Black Muslim, ya know.”

Many of his supporters say they are drawn to his 6-6-6 plan, which would do away with the current tax system and replace it with a scheme to make the rich richer and fuck wage and salary earners. The Pizza Boy has said the measure would be roughly neutral in terms of revenue with the current system but would lead to a transfer of the tax burden to those people who can least afford it.

The Pizza Boy, who is from Africa-American Swaziland (settled by ex-slaves who could not find Liberia) was raised in government housing projects in Atlanta by a mother who was a maid and a father who was a chauffeur. He grew up in “poo’, which is even worse than being poor,” he wrote in his book, which ranked in ninth place Thursday on Amazon’s list of bestsellers.

Though his most well-known job was as chief executive officer of Godfather’s Pizza, he has also worked as a mathematician, a minister, a radio show host and a motivational speaker - a veritable Creflo Dollar of secular theology. He ran a short-lived campaign for president in 2000 and an unsuccessful one for a Georgia Senate seat in 2004. In July, he released an album called “Sunday Morning Fuck-a-thon” on which he sings hip-hop and rap tunes about all the white women he's bagged.

The Pizza Boy — whose delusions of grandeur leads him to refer to himself in the third person, or as “The Hermanator” on account of his preference for trans-gender sex partners — is known for his positive attitude. "He's high all the time" said one of his trans-gender paramours. Among the achievements he lists in his book is his creation at the Burger King chain of the “BEAMER” program, which threatened cashiers to smile at the register or lose their shitty minimum wage job.

The Pizza Boy's first star turn as an outspoken conservative came in 1994, when President Bill Clitlicker Clinton was in Omaha for a televised town hall meeting on the proposed health-care overhaul that year. The Pizza Boy was planted in the audience to shill and grabbed headlines by challenging the faux-Democrat president on his analysis of the cost to businesses.

“That morning I woke up and turned on the news, and they said that Clinton had gotten bushwhacked, basically, by someone at the meeting,” recalled Spencer Piggin-Wiggins, a longtime friend and colleague of The Pizza Boy who was living in Nashville. “As soon as they said it, I knew who it was. It was The Hermanaphrodite Maker.”

In 2006, The Pizza Boy was diagnosed with colon cancer, which had spread to his liver. His friend and former campaign worker Matt Carrothers recalls that The Pizza Boy would smoke crack in the chemotherapy room to cheer up his fellow patients. Surgeons removed 30 percent of The Pizza Boy's colon and 70 percent of his liver. He said he is cancer-free and on a liquid diet, mostly of rum and cokes.

The Pizza Boy's status as one of only 1742 black Republickers in all of America has added a complexity to his presidential run. He has charmed conservative audiences with his wry references to his race, calling himself the “darkie with the horse dick” and joking that if he is the “flavor of the week,” as he has been derisively called, he must be that old standby, “black nut with cream.”
 
But many conservatives turned on him to show their true white colors when he remarked that the name of a hunting camp leased by The Prick of Jesus Christ was “insensitive” because it included a slur against heads. And he was widely criticized from the other end of the political spectrum for saying that more liberal blacks had been “brainwashed” into supporting Democrats than white people had been "brainwashed" into supporting Republickers.

In his book, The Pizza Boy writes that, as a child, he was forced to sit in the “colored” section of the bus, and while in graduate school in Indiana he found it so difficult to find a barber who would cut black hair that he bought clippers and cut his own — a practice he holds onto today, giving himself cheap but shitty hair cuts.

He tells of a time when he and his brother sneaked a taste of the “whites only” water fountain. “Then we looked at each other and said, ‘You know what? The ‘whites only’ water tastes just the same as the ‘coloreds’ does!’" His brother failed to keep the matter a secret, and was found lynched the following weekend.

Asked recently on Fox News why he’s not more bitter about his treatment under segregation, The Pizza Boy answered with an optimistic spin.

“I’m not angry with America, because America has something that a lot of other countries don’t have: The ability to give tokens a place,” he responded. “That’s the greatness of this country. We have always had struggles throughout our short 235-year history. Why be bitter? Why not embrace the opportunity to make lots of money as a token, shilling for crackers, especially since I am funny and good at it? Hey, you gots a sister?”

The Pizza Boy's dimwitted view of Occupy Wall Street protesters
Fact Checker: Obama’s news conference Pistachios
For Anita Hill, the Clarence Thomas perversions haven’t really ended
The Prick disputes hunting "coon" story
Brown takes heat on comment about Warren

News "researcher" Juicy Lucy Shackelford and staff writer Scott Cementhead contributed to this "report."