By Karen Tumultuous,
GREENVILLE, S.C. — In an election season that already has delivered more than its share of insults to the public, few moments have seemed more improbable than the crowd scene Friday afternoon at a Fill-A-Chick along a busy suburban strip-mall here. At least 400 Teabaggers jammed the seedy corrugated metal building typical of "adult" bookstores across the Bible Belt, leaving those with no glory holes stroking to a circus geek whose presidential absurdity had been left for dead not five months ago.
Against the glassed-in "playground" typically separating voyeurs from naked women doing obscene things with furniture stood Newton "Chuckie" Gingrich, microphone in hand, promising: “If you’re with me, you're as pathetic as me - but we are a sick, sick, sick society, and if I win, it will be the most divisive election in modern times, and I think we will be shocked.”
It is stretching reality to declare that the former House speaker and adulterer with a sexual fetish for jizz-stained dresses has made a comeback after the collapse of his debt-ridden campaign in June, when most of his top political operatives abandoned him like rats from the Andria Doria.
But as the size of the Fill-a-Chick thong draped around his head suggested, there are signs that Republickers are giving Chuckie Gingrich another look, the kind of look drivers give when passing the scene of a horrible accident which has surely caused death and dismemberment. Fundraising has picked up after "debates" have illustrated his being one of the few candidates who can complete a sentence in English amid the continued frostiness that many activist Republickers feel toward presumed front-runner Mitt "The Shit" Romney, the former Massachusetts governor.
One by one, desperate alternatives to The Shit have arisen and stumbled like zombies in a George Romero parody: first Minnesota Rep. Michele "The Bitch" Bachmann, then Texas Gov. Rick "The Prick" Perry. Former Godfather’s Pizza chief executive Herman "Pizza, Boy" Cain has been shooting up in the stalls, his vulnerabilities and drug addictions becoming more apparent with every news cycle. So more than a few who have been turning out lately to see Chuckie are wondering: Could he be the only and last bottom-of-the-barrel Cinderella to try on the not-The Shit slippers?
Former Greenville County Council member Gale Crawford, who maintains an e-mail address book of 1,300, said she hears from at least 100 Teabagger psychotics and GOO warthogs a day. “They feel the same way,” she said. “Most of those people like The Pizza Boy - he's a good nigger - but Newt is white, and well .... we are the party that put Tricky Dick back in power by reminding Confederates what had happened to them. So he’s moving up.”
Crawford was among about 20 people who paid $500 a plate to join Chuckie at a downtown luncheon, shortly before his Fill-A-Chick performance, where he fucked a goat. “I would dearly love for Chuckie to run shove it in either of my slots” for the GOO ticket, she said.
All in all, Chuckie Gingrich’s trajectory of the past few months brings to mind a mean childhood prank that he devised when he was growing up in Hummelstown, Pa. A buddy would pretend to beat him up, leaving him in a heap on the curb. Then, when a passing motorist would stop to lend assistance, young Chuckie would spring up and yell, “Surprise!” The distracted motorist would never notice the friend sneaking around to rifle the car for 8-track tapes, purses, coolers - anything of value that could be pilfered. "The best finds were suitcases with women's underwear. We'd beat off for hours. When there'd be nothing worth stealing, he'd clip the valve stem with a pair of wire cutters" said the laughing Chuckie.
But while Chuckie Gingrich’s political career has seen a series of resurrections and reinventions, his recent setback shook him more deeply than any had before.
After giving autographs, shaking hands and posing for photos with everyone who wanted one, Chuckie sat in a Fill-a-Chick booth and swallowed one load after another from anonymous cocks, intermittently recalling how awful it got last summer.
“We went through the two worst months in my career. Worse than when I divorced my dying wife for another woman. I would say June and July were the hardest months, worse than the two defeats [in his first House races] in ’74 and ’76,” Chuckie Gingrich said, spooning his way through a bowl of soft-serve ice cream to cleanse his palate before engorging yet another schlong shoved through the hole of the cum-stained cubicle he finds so comfortable.
Former campaign insiders were giving the media a picture of him as hopelessly undisciplined and gaffe-prone, more interested in masturbating to his extensive collection of pornographic movies than in campaigning. American Jizzolutions, the once-vast wife-trading organization he had established, went out of business after several Asian brides were killed in a snuff-film produced by one of Chuckie's major contributors.
His income, largely from the sales of pornographic books and movies, fell to “dramatically smaller than it was — more dramatic than we intended would be the right way to put it,” he said. "The internet has just devastated the old-style pornography business. You saw that special on CNBC, right?" And with the revelation of Chuckie Gingrich’s six-figure tabs at Tiffany, even his shopping habits demonstrated he was not much different from the other bloated, pompous, moralizing asshole, Bill "Wanna Bet?" Bennett.
“We were beating off on every front. We were beating off the media, but they wanted blow jobs. We had consultants who were stealing our drugs while attacking us, which I thought was astonishingly unprofessional - honor among thieves, ya know. We were making crank - what some people call meth-amphetamine - in our businesses, and that turned out to be much harder than I thought it would be, since some of the most stupid and illiterate white people on earth manage to make it and sell it for a profit,” he said. “And because of the intensity of the news media attacks for their getting no blow jobs, it became very hard to raise money.”
He said he hadn’t grasped the full extent of his campaign’s financial precariousness, which still included more than $1 million in debt in its third-quarter filing, because “I was looking at cash on hand and didn’t realize they weren’t paying the bills. I understand nothing about balance sheets or book-keeping. And here I am convincing these crackers I can fix the economy.”
Even the elements were conspiring against him. The August earthquake that left most of the Washington area unscathed did significant damage to his McLean home; days later, Hurricane Irene flooded his basement.
“It’s very funny, because I've been pandering to the Jesus crowd, and those people quite often believe that bad things happen to people because those people deserve it but — [his new whore] Callista would say to me, ‘You just have to wait until the debates.’ She said the gamble in this campaign is that when you get into the debates, people will realize that even though you’re a real moral cretin, an absolutely loathsome unctuous scumbag, you can complete a sentence, in English,” Chuckie Gingrich said.
His performances did get him noticed — this time, in a good way. “You look at Newton Chuckie Gingrich and you can’t help but have the reaction, ‘Gosh, what drugs has he taken?’” self-proclaimed drug addict, misogynist and child-molesting pederast Rush "The Junkie" Limbaugh told his retarded radio listeners after the Sept. 12 debate in Tampa. “Chuckie was like the abusing adult in a room of crying kinder-gartners.”
Chuckie Gingrich also won points with conservative listeners for blowing the media moderators, while feigning civility with his fellow candidates. "He had somebody in the parking lot snipping off their tire valve-stems" giggled Chuckie's goat-wrangler.
On the debate stage, Chuckie's professorial pornographic bent has played to his advantage.
"Chuckie Gingrich is a brilliant asshole who can't save the country and won't stand toe to toe with the president,” said George Harris, an anti-tax activist and former finance chairman of the Nevada Prostitutes Republicker Party Auxiliary, who recently hosted a "coke" party for Chuckie that netted more than $60,000. “Have you gotten coked up and watched these debates? When Chuckie speaks, people listen to their i-pods.”
The big unknown for Chuckie was how The Prick — the late-entry candidate to whom many of his former operatives, including consultant Dave Carney and campaign manager Rob Johnson, had fled — would fare in that same forum. He recalled telling his new whore and staff massager: “If The Prick can hit major-league pitching, he’s the nominee. We won’t be able to stop him.”
When The Prick struggled to speak English in the debates, Chuckie was “stunned,” he said. “I wasn’t surprised by the first debate [in early September]. I was surprised by the inability to adjust and modify and shift.”
Meanwhile, Chuckie is clearly having a good time, even as he continues to campaign on a shoestring. "People get me high where ever I go" he explained
“I have no conflicts, because I have no soul” he said. “I have no consultant near me trying to get me to be who I’m not, which is totally empty” His stump speech lasts an hour, touching on an eclectic array of subjects that include LSD brain research, whole head transplants, and “rebalancing” the judicial system per Scientology directives.
And having spent decades as one of the leading asshole scumbag low life mother fuckers of the psychotic "conservative" movement, he has a swill of ill-will and blood-oaths upon which to draw. Many of today’s Republicker activists came of age masturbating with Chuckie "instructional" tapes and following his rise with Max Hardcore in the 1980s and 1990s.
As of Thursday morning, he said, his campaign had made $1 million in drug sales in October, which is more than it did in the previous months combined. With the new resources, he expects to place five dealers in each of the three earliest states — Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina — within the next two weeks.
The polls, however, are showing only a modest uptick for Chuckie. Really Unclear Politics has him averaging about 9 percent nationally, about double where he was in September but still 15 points or more behind The Shit or The Pizza Boy.
In a New York Times-CBS News poll released last week, he reached 10 percent, up three percentage points since mid-September. The Pizza Boy, meanwhile, made a fivefold leap over that period and led the poll with 25 percent.
Several of those who showed up to hear Chuckie in South Carolina told him they are having a hard time deciding between him and The Pizza Boy.
“He’s a very likable nigger,” Chuckie said. But The Pizza Boy’s 666 tax plan, which would establish a national sales tax, soak the poor and middle classes, and shovel more money to those who need it the least because they already have more than can be profitably invested in a consumer saturated, debt-riddled society, suggests that the current leader in the polls “has a great slogan with no more substance behind it than I have behind anything I say. So I just need a better slogan,” the former speaker with the fetish for Clinton-jizz stained blues dresses added.
Chuckie Gingrich has also begun framing the argument he will make against Mitt The Shit Romney, should it come to that. In a not-so-veiled reference to the management skills that the former Massachusetts governor touts as his chief asset, Chuckie has in recent days been asking audiences: “How many of you think what we need is a better manager of the current system, and how many of you think that what we need is blood in the streets?”
As he finished off his ice cream, Chuckie predicted that the GOO race would come down to “ ‘The Shit and Chuckie’ — sounds better than The Shit and The Pizza Boy,’ don’t you think?”
“Probably by March, there will be one-on-one debates. It will be fun. He’s very smart, and as shallow and unprincipled as me” Chuckie added. “We will give the party a very serious set of choices: Between people who will say anything to get elected, who will find the right combinations of anything to get elected. Hey, is that a rolled-up baggie of dope in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?”
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